|
|
|
|
|
|
From yurassoraholeintheground (I think he knows the difference!)
The complete saga ...Colbster Fiction the bedroom - MORNING Both Colbster and Tracy are inside the bedroom cleaning it up. Colbster is re-attaching the headboard, while Tracy scrubing the mattress. Both are twice as sticky as they were before. Tracy I will never forgive your ass for this shit. This is some fucked up repugnant shit!!!! Colbster Did you ever hear the philosophy that once a woman admits she's wrong, she is immediately fogiven for all wrong doings!? Tracy Man get the fuck out my face with that shit!!! The mother-fucker who said that never had to wipe up itty, bitty puddles of splooge on account of your dumb ass! Colbster I got a threshold Tracy!! I got a threshold for the amount of abuse I will take. And your crossin it! I'm a race car and you got me in the red! Just know its fuckin dangerous to be driving a race car when its in the red. It could blow! Tracy You gettin ready to blow? Well I'm a mushroom cloud, laying mother fucker!!!! Everytime I touch splooge, I super-fly T.N.T!!! I'm the Guns of The Navarone!!! In fact, what the fuck am I doing wiping this shit up. Your the mother fucker that should be on splooge detail!!! We tradin. I'm fixin the headboard, and your wiping up this assholes wad!!!! Part II. The phone RINGS. Tracy puts down her cereal and makes her way to the phone. It RINGS again. Matt, her boy toy, CALLS from the bedroom, obviously woken up. Matt(OS) Tracy! The phone's ringing! Tracy (calling back) I can hear it! Matt (OS) I thought you told those fuckin' assholes never to call this late! Tracy (by the phone) I told 'em and that's what I'm gonna tell this fuckin' asshole right now! (she answers the phone) Hello, do you know how late it is? You're not supposed to be callin' me this fuckin' late. BACK TO Colbster IN THE MALIBU Colbster is still driving like a stripe-assed ape, clutching the phone to herear. WE CUT BACK AND FORTH during the conversation. colbster Tracy, this is colbster, I'm in big fuckin' trouble girl, I'm on my way to your place. Tracy Whoa, hold you horses man, what's the problem? Colbster You still got those special condoms? Tracy (dawning on her) Maybe. Colbster I need em' , I got a dude. He's fuckin' got blue balls! Tracy Don't bring him here! I'm not even fuckin' joking with you, don't you be bringing some fucked up fucktard to my house! Colbster No choice. Tracy He's got blue balls? Colbster Yeah. He's dyin'. Tracy Then bite the fuckin' bullet, take him to a motel, and go bare-back! colbster Negative. Tracy He ain't my fuckin' problem, you got him hard, you deal with it -- are you talkin' to me on a cellular phone? Colbster Sorry. Tracy I don't know you, who is this, don't come here, I'm hangin' up. Colbster Too late, I'm already here. At that moment inside Tracy's house, WE HEAR Colbster's Malibu coming up the street. Tracy hangs up the phone, goes to her curtains and YANKS the cord. The curtains open with a WHOOSH in time to see Colbster's Malibu DRIVING UP on her front lawn and CRASHING into her house. THe window Tracy is looking out of SHATTERS from the impact. Matt What the hell was that? Tracy CHARGES from the window, out the door to her front lawn. 27. EXT. Tracy's HOUSE - NIGHT Colbster is already out of the car, working on Mr. X. Tracy Have you lost your mind?! You crashed your car in my fuckin' house! You talk about takin it up the pooper on a cellular fuckin' phone -- Colbster If you're through havin' your little hissy fit, this dude is dyin', get your condoms and git them now! Tracy Are you deaf? You're not bringin' that Horned up dick in my house! Colbster This fucked up dude is Brian. Now if he fuckin' loses his erection I'm a going to be a psycho bitch. But before loses it I'm gonna be forced to tell 'im about how you coulda eased his bulge but instead you let him lay here clutching his penis on your front lawn. From here on in, everything in this scene is frantic, like a DOCUMENTARY in an emergency ward, with the big difference here being nobody knows what the fuck they're doing. Matt Who's he? Colbster looks up at Matt. Tracy Get that black box in the bedroom I have the Durex with the pleasure tip condoms. Matt What's wrong with him? colbster He's got blue balls. He's dyin! Matt Well get him the hell outta here! Tracy and Colbster (in stereo) Get the fuckin' condoms! Matt Don't yell and me! He angrily turns and disappears into the bedroom looking for the Durex condoms. WE MOVE into the room with the two women. Colbster (to Tracy) You two are a match made in heaven. Tracy Look, just keep talkin' to him, okay? While he's gettin' the condoms, I gotta get the kleenex. colbster What do you need Kleenex for? Tracy To wipe up the fucking mess. I've never used these condoms before Colbster You've had those things for six months and you never used em'? Tracy I never had to use them. I don't go penis stroking bubble-gummers. all of my friends carry their own. Colbster Well then get them. Tracy I am, if you'll let me. Colbster I'm not fuckin' stoppin' you. Tracy Stop talkin' to me, and start talkin' to him. WE FOLLOW Tracy as she runs out of the living room into a... 29. SPARE ROOM with a bunch of junk in it. She frantically starts scanning the junk for the kleenex box she's looking for, repeating the words, "Come on," endlessly. From OFF SCREEN we hear: Colbster(OS) Hurry up ! He's losin it! Tracy (calling back) I'm looking as fast as I can! Tracy continues her frenzied search. WE HEAR Matt in the living room now as he talks to Colbster. Matt(OS) What's she lookin' for? Colbster(OS) I dunno, some Kleenex. Matt calls to Tracy. Matt (OS) What are you lookin' for? Tracy some Kleenex! As she continues searching, flipping and knocking over shit, Matt appears in the doorway. Matt Whata re you looking for? Tracy Some fucking kleenex. This guy's going to blow!!!! Matt I never saw any Kleenex. Tracy Trust me, I have some. Matt Well if it's that important, why didn't you keep it with the condoms? Tracy spins toward him. Tracy I don't know! Stop bothering me! Matt While you're lookin' for them, that guy's going to lose his load on our carpet. You're never gonna find them in all this shit. For six months now, I've been telling you to clean this room -- Colbster (OS) -- get your ass in here, fuck the Kleenex! Tracy angrily knocks over a pile of shit and leaves the heading for the living room. 30. LIVING ROOM Colbster is bent over Brian, talking softly to him, when Tracy reenters the room. Colbster Quit fuckin' around and give him a condom! Tracy bends down by the black case brought in by Matt. He opens it and begins opening the condom. Tracy While I'm doing this, take his pants off and hold his dick. Colbster rips his pants. Matt stumbles back in the room, hanging back from the action. Colbster Does it have to be lubricated? Tracy Yeah, it has to be lubed! He's giving you a hot beef injection so its gotta be pretty fucking Lubricated. Colbster Well, I don't know exactly how lubed it needs to be,I think this is good. Colbster removes her panties Tracy glances over and nods. Tracy That's it. As Tracy readies the condom, Colbster looks up at matt. Colbster I need a big fat vibrator, got one? Matt What? Colbster I need a big fat vibrator, any long object will do, but a vibrator would be great. Matt Hold on. Matt runs to the desk, opens the top drawer and, in his enthusiasm, He pulls the drawer out of the desk, the contents of which (bills, papers, pens) spill to the floor. The Condom is ready. Tracy hands Colbster the rubber. Tracy It's ready, I'll tell you what to do. Colbster You're gonna give him a blow job. Tracy No, you're gonna mount him. Colbster I've never does this before, on an unconsious penis! Tracy I've never does this before either, and I ain't starting now. You brought him here, that means you take care of his cock. The day I bring a blue-balled asshole to your place, then I gotta give him the pussy. Matt hurriedly joins them in the huddle, a big fat vibrator in his hand. Matt Got it. Colbster grabs the vibrator out of Matt's hand and readies herself. Colbster Okay, now what do I do? Tracy Well, you're getting ready to recieve a hot beef injection . But you haven't had sex in 3 weeks so it could be a tight squeeze. So what you gotta do is mount him, bringing yourself down on top of him in a riding motion. Colbster I gotta ride him? Tracy If you want the penis to pierce through , you gotta ride him hard. Colbster What happens after that? Tracy I'm curious about that myself. Colbster This ain't a fuckin' joke man! Tracy He's supposed to come like -- (snaps his fingers) -- that. Colbster lifts herself up above his penis. He looks down on Brian. Brian is fading fast. Soon nothing will help him. Colbster's eyes narrow, ready to do this. Colbster Count to three. Tracy, on this knees right beside Colbster, does not know what to expect. Tracy One.... Penis raised and ready to strike. Tracy(OS) ...two... Matt's face is alive with anticipation. Penis in the air, poised like a rattler ready to strike. Tracy (OS) ...three! Colbster lowers herself, THRUSTING down hard. Matt's eyes POP WIDE OPEN and he lets out a HELLISH cry of the banshee. He sits UP in a sitting position, Colbster still holding on -- SCREAMING. Tracy and Matt, who were in sitting positions in front of Brian, JUMP BACK, scared to death. Brian's scream runs out. He slowly starts taking breaths of air. The other three, now scooted halfway across the room, shaken to their bones, look to see if He's alright. Tracy If you're okay, say something. Brian, still breathing, not looking up at them, says in a relatively normal voice. Brian Something. Colbster and Tracy collapse on their backs, exhausted and shaking. Matt Anybody want a beer? Part III. INT. CHEVY (TRUNK) - MORNING The trunk of the Chevy OPENS UP, Tracy and Colbster reach inside, taking out two large duffle bags of sex toys Tracy We should have a twelve pack of condoms for this kind of deal. Colbster How many up there? Tracy Three or four. Colbster Counting our guy? Tracy I'm not sure. Colbster So there could be five guys up there? Tracy It's possible. Colbster We should have a twelve pack. They CLOSE the trunk. CUT TO: 4. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING COURTYARD - MORNING 4. Colbster and Tracy , their short skirts practically riding up their asses, walk through the courtyard of what looks like a hacienda-style Hollywood apartment building. We TRACK alongside. Colbster What's his name? Tracy Art Vandelay. colbster How did Luxury Items and he meet? Tracy I dunno, however people meet people. He usta be an EZboard writer. Colbster He ever do anything I woulda read? Tracy I think his biggest deal was writing about people shitting their pants, or something. Colbster What's an EZBoard? Tracy Well, you know the internet? Colbster I don't have a computer. Tracy Yes, but you're aware that there's an invention called the internet, and on that invention they have messageboards? Colbster Yeah. Tracy Well, these EZBoards are a waste land of smart asses, that write little funny bits that they think are funny. But no one else does. And they give each other stupid fucking names, like "yurassoraholeintheground". They enter the apartment building. 5. INT. RECEPTION AREA (APARTMENT BUILDING) - MORNING 5. Colbster and Tracy walk through the reception area and wait for the elevator. Tracy You remember Incrediblegobstopper? She usta always talk about that guy Will takin up the ass from celebs? Colbster Yeah that was fucking hysterical? Tracy I wouldn't go so far as the stories hysterical. I mean Will takin up the ass is funny, but I would go as far as to say they were hysterical. Mr. T pumpin away on Will is kind of hysterical now that I think about it, but anyway... Colbster I think I know what mean, what about her Tracy Well, Luxury Items fucked her ass up good. And word around the campfire, it was on account of Luxury Items future husband. The elevator arrives, the women step inside. 6. INT. ELEVATOR - MORNING 6. Colbster What'd she do, fuck him? Tracy No no no no no no no, nothin' that bad. Colbster Well what then? Tracy She gave him a hand job. Colbster A hand job? Tracy nods her head: "Yes." Colbster That's all? Tracy nods her head: "Yes." Colbster What did Luxury Items do? Tracy Sent a couple of chicks over to her place. They took her out on the patio of his apartment, threw her ass off a balcony, four stories. They had this garden at the bottom, enclosed in glass, like one of them greenhouses -- bitch fell through that. Since then, she's kinda developed a speech impediment. The elevator doors open, Tracy and colbster exit. Colbster That's a damn shame. 7. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY - MORNING 7. Colbster Still I hafta say, play with matches, ya get burned. Tracy Whaddya mean? Colbster You don't be givin' Luxury Items future husband a hand job. Tracy You don't think she overreacted? Colbster Gobstopper probably didn't expect Luxury to react like she did, but she had to expect a reaction. Tracy It was a hand job, a hand job is nothing, I give my best friend a hand job. Colbster It's laying hands on Luxury Items fiance in a familiar way. Is it as bad as blowing him -- no, but you're in the same fuckin' ballpark. Tracy stops Colbster. Tracy Whoa...whoa...whoa...stop right there. Suckin a dick, and givin' a hand job ain't even the same fuckin' thing. Colbster Not the same thing, the same ballpark. Tracy It ain't no ballpark either. Look maybe your method of hand jobs differs from mine, but jerkin' her man's pee pee, and stickin' your mouth around the devine rod, ain't the same ballpark, ain't the same league, ain't even the same fuckin' sport. Hand jobs don't mean shit. Colbster Have you ever given a hand job? Tracy Don't be tellin' me about hand jobs-- I'm the fuckin' jerk master. Colbster Given a lot of 'em? Tracy Shit yeah. I got my technique down man, I don't yank or nothin'. Colbster Have you ever given Hobie a hand job? Tracy looks at her a long moment -- she's been set up. Tracy Fuck you. She starts walking down the hall. Colbster is smiling, walks a little bit behind. Colbster How many? Tracy Fuck you. Colbster Would you give GBIAD a hand job-- He's kinda backed up. Tracy Bitch, you best back off, I'm gittin' pissed -- this is the door. The two girls stand in front of the door numbered "49." They whisper. Tracy What time is it? Colbster (checking her watch) Seven-twenty-two in the morning. Tracy It ain't quite time, let's hang back. They move a little away from the door, facing each other, still whispering. Tracy Look, just because Gobstopper gave Vandelay a hand job, don't make it right for Luxury to throw Gobby off a building into a glass- motherfuckin-house, fuckin' up the way the chick talks. That ain't right, man. Motherfucker do that to me, she better paralyze my ass, 'cause I'd kill'a motherfucker. colbster I'm not sayin' s he was right, but you're sayin' hand job don't mean nothing, and I'm sayin' it does. I've given a million guys a million hand jobs and they all meant somethin'. We act like they don't, but they do. That's what's so fuckin' cool about 'em. This sensual thing's goin' on that nobody's talkin about, but you know it and she knows it, fuckin' Luxury knew it, and IGS shoulda known fuckin' better. That's her fuckin' fiance, man. She ain't gonna have a sense of humor about that shit. Tracy That's an interesting point, but let's get into character. Colbster What's his name again? Tracy Art Vandelay. Why you so interested in her future hubby? colbster Well, Luxury is leavin' for Florida and when she's gone, she wants me to take care of Art. Tracy Take care of him? Doing a stroking motion with her hand. Colbster Not that! Take him out. Show him a good time. Don't let him get lonely. Tracy You're gonna be takin' Art Vandelay out on a date? colbster It ain't a date. It's like when you and your girlfriend's boyfriend go to a movie or somethin'. It's just... you know...good company. Tracy just looks at her. colbster It's not a date. Tracy just looks at him. Colbster I'm not gonna be a bad girl. Tracy shakes her head and mumbles to herself. Tracy That guy's gonna kill more bitches than time. Colbster What was that? Tracy Nothin'. Let's get into character. Colbster What'd you say? Tracy I didn't say shit. Let's go to work. colbster Don't play with me, you said somethin', now what was it? Tracy (referring to the job) Do you wanna do this? Colbster I want you to repeat what you said. Tracy That door's gonna open in about thirty seconds, so git yourself together -- colbster -- my self is together -- Tracy -- bullshit it is. Stop thinkin' 'bout that penis and get yourself together like a qualified pro. Let's do this!!!
|
